The Politics of Compatibility

This past week I’ve reached a new level of rage that I didn’t know my body was capable of feeling. CNN reported on a global rape forum that had 62 million visits in a single month. A site where men were teaching other men how to drug, assault, and violate their wives and partners.

There was a realization from this that has surfaced that was really unexpected for me. As a woman who has romantic relationships with men, it shed light on an uncomfortable truth that I had compatibility all wrong. In fact, it was surface level. 

Since coming out as asexual and polyamorous in 2022 I thought that compatibility within a partnership meant lifestyle alignment. 

Are you open to polyamory and the reality that love does not equal ownership? 

Are you comfortable with a non-sexual romantic relationship?

Do we align on being childfree?

Can you respect my independence and the fact that I will never shrink myself to fit traditional expectations of womanhood? 

Those felt like meaningful standards (and they were), but I’ve realized they are only scratching the surface. 

Because compatibility with men can no longer be emotionally neutral for me.

Not after seeing the scale of misogyny that exists in plain sight. Not after realizing how many men participate in violence, fantasize about violence, excuse violence, or quietly benefit from the conditions that make it possible.

These past few weeks have made me reevaluate what I even consider a safe partner—what I consider partnership at all.

Because my rage is loud now. It’s hit a new volume because I am no longer concerned with making myself palatable for anyone’s comfort. 

It is the rage of being a woman in a world where violence against us is common, joked about, monetized, normalized, and denied all at once.

That very rage has been a very eye opening gateway that shed light on capacity. 

I have never once asked the question - Is this person that I consider a partner a safe space for my rage? 

That means he does not meet women’s pain with “not all men.”

That means he does not rush to defend male innocence while women are trying to describe danger.

That means he does not need immediate absolution in order to stay in the conversation.

Because a man who cannot tolerate women’s anger without centering himself cannot hold women safely. And I’ve come to realize that it is the very foundation for a partnership. 

Being a traitor to patriarchy means interrupting misogyny when women are not in the room.

It means being willing to lose approval from other men.

It means releasing entitlement to women’s softness, emotional labor, bodies, admiration, patience, or access.

It means understanding that being loved by women is not proof of your politics.

Women are angry. And we should be.

Even if those 62 million visits included repeat users, we are still looking at millions of men engaging with a site built around sexual violence.

And the truth is, we do not know who they are.

They are in our offices. On trains sitting right next to us. In grocery stores. At coffee shops. In churches.Behind the wheel of the ubers we ride. In dating apps. In group chats. Sitting at our family dinner table. 

So when men rush to say “not all men,” I always think:

Okay, then who? And how exactly are women supposed to know the difference?

We can’t.

That uncertainty is something women live with every single day.

Which means the burden is no longer on women to be more trusting. It is on men to become more trustworthy. It’s on men to hold each other accountable. 

I posted recently that I’m moving away from wanting partners and more toward wanting lovers—relationships centered around care, companionship, and connection without unnecessary enmeshment.

This week only clarified why. The role of what it takes for me to truly feel safe in my rage in partnership with a man, is one I have yet to find. 

I still believe in love. I still believe in intimacy. I still believe men are capable of tenderness.

But partnership is a higher bar now.

As polyamorous and soft-hearted as I am, I have no interest in partnership with any man who cannot offer safety, validation, and space to the most furious parts of me..